Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
