come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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