His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
