he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm always down for nudity.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
