I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
