Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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