9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
