when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
