Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize