Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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