either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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