I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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