Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
