I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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