sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
