It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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