i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
