I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
