he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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