Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
