I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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