For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
