I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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