she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
