you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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