he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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