I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
