So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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