Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
