you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
