I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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