I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
