i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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