Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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