Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
