So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
