I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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