Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We're too hungover to prance.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
