True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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