Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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