i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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