I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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