i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
