I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
