yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can I color on your dick again?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
