I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
God, I missed his penis.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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