Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
