don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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