Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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