hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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