An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize