So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
