hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
