Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
whose ass print is on the piano?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
