mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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