drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
