either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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