I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
