if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
