apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
PANTIES FOUND
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
