The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
