fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
