The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
