In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
