Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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