Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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