So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
