can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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