Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
