Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
